23 Minutes

Do you ever find your mind just wonders, and you begin to feel like you are losing control?  Then do I have the book for you. I’ve been reading this self-help book called, Let That Sh*t Go: Find Peace of Mind and Happiness written by Nina Purewal and Kate Petriw.

I’ve been trying really hard to refocus my negative, anxious thoughts to be more positive. More positive self-talk, instead of that negative self-talk that I so love to do. This book has really helped me quiet my chatty mind and use more of my observing mind. They provide great insight into different tools on how to become more self-aware, and allowing the positive in.  

It can be such a struggle to remind yourself, that you don’t deserve that constant negative battle weighing in on yourself. You don’t need to struggle. You can control your own thoughts, and take back control – you can hush your own brain.

It takes me roughly 23 minutes to drive to and from the barn. And, the other day on that long 23 minute drive. My chatty brain started. I was about to begin a battle with myself that I didn’t even ask for.

I rode early that morning, and I had a great ride. Abbey felt wonderful, she was happy; I was happy, calm, relaxed. Nothing bad happened at all during my ride for these negative thoughts to start flowing in, but my mind began the negative chatter.  My mind began pouring in the negative self-talk BS, that I’ve been working hard on controlling. 

I started to feel powerless in my own mind.

I told myself, that I honestly feel fine. That everything is going to be okay, so there is no need for this crap whirling around right now. But, on it went. My mind started replaying my recent fall (where I got hurt); it started telling me that I am going to break something else. Then the, what if’s started; what if that, what if this happens.

My own brain was making me feel guilty for feeling okay. I was feeling guilty for the fact that I felt that everything was completely fine.

It was horrible. I just felt like I was in a battle that I was losing, with no sign of it stopping.

I normally at this point would have called my Mom and chatted to her, to just distracted myself (or attempt to), or called my Fiancé. But, then I remembered the book. I remembered that I am in control; that I am in control of my own brain and I am not as powerless as I feel.

I needed to quiet my negative mind, turn off my chatty mind and redirect my focus to my observing mind. I started thinking about what could possibly be causing the negative side of my brain to take over like this.

Then I got it. I figured out what was causing this anxious, negative spiral. She tripped. Not a bad trip, just didn’t realize right away that we were turning. I asked her to turn down the centre line, and she just over stepped.

Not. A. Big. Deal.

My brain took that one thing and ran. It waited until I was alone, relaxed, and it took off.

One thing they talk about in the book, that works for me, and I have always done it is visualization. They talk about visualizing the good; visualize the win, the success. They also talk about mind dumping; dumping that BS and replacing it with the good. I am an extremely visual person. If I can’t visualize it; I freak. I think it’s not going to work. It makes me feel that I failed already. But, what I didn’t clue into, was my chatty mind was blocking that positive visualization. I was stopping myself from seeing the positive. My negative self-talk was so strong that I wasn’t allowing any positive self-talk to start.

I started thinking about the positive aspects of my ride; what we worked on that worked, what we achieved. She let me know she was happy, she snorted lots, responded to my aids correctly.

I then went on to reminding myself of the growth, the improvement and the FUN.

Before I knew it, my “chatty mind”, was quiet. I honestly didn’t even realize that the negative self-talk took a hike. I’d like to say, that my mind was at ease after this. It wasn’t, but I was able to focus on other things, than my apparent “bad ride”.

During that 23 minute drive home; I started to lose a battle to my anxious mind.

During that 23 minute drive home, I won that battle with my anxious mind.

I took back control, I didn’t let my thoughts, and my anxieties ruin another great ride for me. I didn’t let my anxieties tell me that I suck, that I will never be good enough, that I will never improve.

I took back control. I took it back. In that 23 minutes, I realized that I am finally gaining control of my own thought processes. I am finally winning more battles than I am losing.

I went back and forth about writing such an open, honest post about (more open than usual) what is floating around in my brain,and how my anxiety sometimes shows it’s ugly face. Anxiety, panic attacks aren’t always crying, hyperventilating. They can be anything that is blocking you from enjoying life, enjoying the things you want to do, to allowing yourself to think positive.

Making yourself so vulnerable is terrifying; revealing your struggles, your worries, releasing your “crazy”. But, what you reveal about yourself, you can heal from. You can allow yourself to rid the BS that is occupying your life, and allow the good in. All the good that you crave, need, and – DESERVE.

We all deserve to have that positive self-love and win the battles.

❤ The Nervous Equestrian

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