Do you ever sit and think “why”?

Why do the things that happen, happen? Why does it seem like doors are always closing? Why does it seem like the universe is pushing against you?  

I’ve been asking myself those questions a lot lately. Not only with riding, but with my personal life as well. I was supposed to get married this year, I’m not. I was supposed to buy this amazing sounding/looking horse, like, today, I’m not. I was supposed to have this amazing career right now, I’m not. All those questions and I’m met with the question, why. Why do the things that happen, happen? Why does it seem like some people have it all together and other people can barely get through the week, let alone the day? 

This post may make it sound like I’m really sad. But I’m not. I’m content. I’m actually sadder that my Fiancé put the hammer down on me buying this horse at the last minute – that actually is more upsetting than my other why’s (priorities, right?)  

I’ve always wondered why on everything. Why this, why that, why are you the way that you are. Why. Just simply why.  

I was thinking that while I was in my lesson this past week. Thinking about all the why’s.  

BUT! 

I overcame one of my biggest fears this past lesson.

I finally did a gymnastic line. 5 dang jumps in a row. AND I didn’t want to pass out in fear or poop my pants (YAY!). 

I SUCCESSFULLY jumped a gymnastic line. Like, OMG.  Can we just take a moment of reflection on my Monday blog post about how much of a hot mess that one lesson was.

*reflection*

Oh, that was scary. Back to my semi sad but not sad, blog post.

I jumped that gymnastic line like a sack of potatoes. It was damn ugly, but my God, I made it through. Dylan was amazing, as messy as I was, she took care of me. Successfully jumping that line gave me so much confidence that maybe I do have the chance of improving. That I can actually become the rider that I picture myself being. That I will FINALLY stop holding myself back.  

My barn family was downright awesome that night. I was watching the videos later and they were just a cheering me on and a big thanks to Emma for screaming at me to breathe. LOL. I didn’t even hear them when I was cantering down to the line. I was just so focused on keep my pace and focusing on my coach’s instructions (let’s hope I can focus like that in the show ring).  

When my lesson was done and I was onto my second ride of the night (I got to flat my boy! He was a little fresh, but I actually loved his little spunky moments – never thought I’d say that). I was back to the “whys”. Why can’t I feel that good going into a jump, why can’t I feel that confidence coming down to a line as I do now that it is over. Now, this was the first time I have jumped since the show. So, me missing 2 weeks of not jumping is like missing a whole year. I am a very repetitive person.  But, I still slayed those jumps.

We are the creators of our own destiny. But why, for once, can’t I just have a door swing open for me? Instead of busting my ass to just make it budge an inch. I’m going to try to focus on that feeling of completion and confidence that I had after finally making it over the line.

As hard as it will be for me to stop wondering why and questioning everything that ever happens. I need to focus on what is ahead and just cross all my fingers and toes that I will have a show season this year. And that Huntec will stop going lame because he is seriously stressing me the hell out. We now, have so much work ahead of us to get us both ready for May.  

Also, side note, my Fiancé felt like shit for bringing the hammer down on my, like life dream. That he actually went out in the snow storm we had yesterday to go buy me a bottle of wine. But, because the Shore had no power it was closed. So, baby bonus points there. And he can go back tonight to try again 😉 

I don’t think I will ever stop questioning the “Why’s”, but I will always take in stride everything that happens and keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have this amazing barn family and that I am even given the opportunities I have had in life to continue to ride, and do something I have loved since I was a child.

 ❤ The Nervous Equestrian